11/08 “Effective Feedback” Response

Especially when stakes are high—at our jobs or schools, in our relationships, in our partnerships—we look for information that comforts and confirms us. We act in ways that support and strengthen our standing in these relationships and institutions and expect others to do the same. “Disconfirming” information, such as personal critiques or anything that can prove incorrect our assumptions, is not immediately what we seek out. Such info hits at our self-worth or self-image, contradicting how we understand ourselves and our world. We hate that we could be so wrong about such things, and avoid interactions that produce this kind of information. Feedback, be it light, constructive, or critical, has a high potential to disconfirm our self-knowledge and shock us into a place at which we cannot constructively incorporate such feedback. The very human fear of disconfirming feedback can stop us from tapping into our true potential; it makes us defensive, stopping us from truly listening to others whose feedback is inherently valuable to our self-progression and fulfillment. To overcome it, we must understand that feedback more aptly describes other people’s perspectives than some absolute truth about ourselves. If we can acknowledge our fears compassionately—yet objectively— we can stay open and use even hard feedback as a gift to expand our self-awareness. To make feedback interactive, we should focus on asking clarifying questions to make clear others’ viewpoints, rather than immediately rebutting. We should be able to share our own perspectives as well, without beginning a “Who’s right?” debate which is ultimately aimless. The curiosity we share about others’ experiences helps make feedback a mutual exploration. Keeping it present-focused, actionable, and compassionate also makes it more constructive. Ultimately, the goal is understanding—not judging.